How to Stop Comparing Your Grades to Others
The marks went up on the portal at 9 a.m. By 9:05 the class group was full of screenshots, and by 9:10 you had quietly worked out where you stand against six people. Your own result, which looked fine at 9:01, now looks small. If you want to know how to stop comparing your grades to others, the honest short answer is this: you probably can’t switch the urge off, but you can stop feeding it the information it runs on, and you can turn the comparison you do make into one specific change to how you study.
That part matters. Comparison is not a character flaw. It is one of the oldest ways people judge how they are doing when there is no clear yardstick, and a grade with no context is exactly that situation. The trouble starts when the comparison tells you who you are instead of what to do next.
In short: marks feel like a ranking because they are often published like one. Limit how much of other people’s marks you collect, compare against your own last result and the marking criteria, and use any upward comparison to extract one study habit, not a verdict on yourself.
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Why marks feel like a rank, not a number
A few ordinary things can be going on at once.
The yardstick problem. A 68 means very little on its own. Is that good for this module, this examiner, this year, this particular batch of students who all sat the same paper on the same rainy Tuesday? When the meaning of a number is unclear, people reach for the nearest comparison, which is usually the person sitting next to them. Decades of social comparison research, summarised in a large meta-analysis by Gerber, Wheeler and Suls, describe a fairly steady preference for comparing upward, with people who seem to be doing better, and that kind of comparison tends to leave people feeling worse about themselves even when it sometimes motivates.
Selective information. You see the friend who posts a 91, and you rarely see the five people who scored 55 and quietly said nothing at all in the group because they were busy feeling exactly the way you feel now. The sample you compare against is skewed toward the top, so your sense of “average” drifts upward.
Years of rank lists. If you grew up with position holders announced at assembly, toppers’ photos in the newspaper and relatives asking “kitne number aaye?” before “how are you?”, a number becomes a place in a queue. That habit does not vanish at university just because the system changed.
None of this tells you anything about your worth, and the habit by itself doesn’t tell you why it’s happening for you in particular. It is simply a common pattern.
Why it keeps feeding itself
Each time you check someone else’s mark, you get a tiny hit of certainty: now you know where you stand. That relief is short. Then the next result comes out, and the checking starts again, a little faster than before, because the brain has learned that collecting other people’s marks is the quickest way to make the uncertainty go quiet for a few minutes. Meanwhile the time spent comparing is time not spent looking at the feedback on your own script, which is the only thing that can actually move your next mark. So the comparison grows, the useful information shrinks, and the gap you are worried about stays the same.
A results-day plan: don’t ask, don’t tell (for 24 hours)
- Decide before the marks come out. Write one line in your notes app the night before: “I will read my own result and feedback first. I won’t ask anyone’s marks until tomorrow.”
- Mute the class group for a day. Not leave, just mute. Screenshots of marks arrive whether you want them or not.
- Read the feedback, not just the number. Copy two comments from the marker into a note: one thing that earned marks, one thing that lost them.
- Compare with two things only: your own previous result in a similar module, and the marking criteria or rubric. Those are the comparisons that contain instructions.
- If you still want to compare with a friend, ask a different question. Not “what did you get?” but “how did you prepare for question 3?” That turns their result into a method you can test.
An example: turning envy into one adjustment
Say Hamza got 62 in Research Methods. His roommate Bilal got 81, and Hamza spends the evening replaying it. On the next morning he reads his feedback instead. The marker wrote “good understanding, weak application to the case study.” He asks Bilal how he revised. Bilal says he did past papers under timed conditions and checked them against the examiner’s report. Hamza had mostly reread slides. So the comparison produces one concrete change: two timed past questions a week, marked against the published criteria. That’s it. The 81 is not a verdict on Hamza; it is a clue about a technique.
The 3-column note (5 minutes): Column one, “What I got and why” (from the feedback). Column two, “What someone else did differently” (method only, no marks). Column three, “One thing I will try before the next assessment.” If column three is empty, the comparison hasn’t finished its job yet.
Scripts for when people ask about your marks
Relatives at a wedding, an aunty on the phone, a classmate fishing: you don’t owe anyone a number. A few lines that are polite and close the topic:
| Who is asking | Instead of | Try |
|---|---|---|
| A relative at a family gathering | “Only 64, I messed up.” | “It went fine, thank you. I’m working on one module that I want to do better in. How is Sana’s new job?” |
| A classmate comparing | “What did you get? Oh.” | “I’m keeping marks to myself this term, but I’d love to know how you prepared for the essay.” |
| A parent who worries | Avoiding the call | “I got a 64. The feedback says my analysis is good but I need more examples. Here is what I’m changing.” |
| A friend who always scores higher | Going quiet around them | “Congratulations, honestly. Can I see how you structure your notes some time?” |
The parent line is different on purpose. With family who will eventually see the number anyway, a plan sounds calmer than a confession.
What tends to make it worse
- Building a mental league table of the whole class.
- Comparing a single assessment with someone’s overall average.
- Checking the class group late at night, when everything looks heavier.
- Telling yourself “I’m just not smart” instead of naming what lost marks.
- Copying a topper’s timetable wholesale; their schedule fit their life. If you are tempted, read our look at the toppers’ study timetable and the Pomodoro method first.
When it’s more than everyday comparison: if thoughts about marks take over most of your day, you can’t sleep before results, you are avoiding classes or skipping meals, or feeling worthless sticks around for more than a couple of weeks, talk to your university’s counselling service, a qualified mental-health professional or a doctor. For the stress in the run-up to exams, see our exam stress habits for students. If a result itself has knocked you badly, our guide to exam results disappointment walks through the first 48 hours.
Comparing grades: common questions
Is it normal to compare grades?
Yes, very. People judge their performance against others whenever a number has no obvious meaning on its own, and grades are a classic case. The aim is not to never compare but to compare in a way that gives you something to do.
Should I ask friends what they got?
Only if you can handle either answer without it ruining your evening. A better question is how they prepared, because a method is something you can borrow and a number is not.
How do I deal with a friend who always gets better marks?
Separate the friendship from the scoreboard. Congratulate them, ask about one technique, and stop checking their results each time. If you notice you avoid them around results, that is a sign to mute the topic, not the friend.
What do I say when relatives ask about my marks?
Give a short, friendly non-answer and change the subject: “It went well, I’m focusing on improving one module.” You decide how much detail anyone gets.
Do grades matter after university?
They matter for some early steps, such as certain jobs, scholarships and further study, and much less later on, when experience and skills carry more weight. That is a reason to care about them sensibly, not to rank yourself by them.
How do I focus on my own progress?
Track your own results across modules in one simple list with the marker’s main comment next to each. Seeing your trend over a year is far more useful than seeing one classmate’s mark.
How do I stop comparing myself to others academically when everyone posts results?
Mute the groups on results day, turn off notifications for those chats for 24 hours, and read your own feedback first. Less incoming data means fewer comparisons to make.
More on everyday thinking habits in Mind & Everyday Psychology.